Crazy Horse that's me

I will lose too many years worrying about my friends. I just received a text from a friend and they had some bad news. I was asleep because I was depressed and not inspired enough to do anything about it.

After I read the text, I woke up immediatly and started having a panic attack (which is still having it's lingering effects). I hate this so much. What can I do? I try to protect my mind with everything I am. I am willing to throw it all away right now and that is why I am writing here. Because I am shaking about this fear I have and how I am afraid I'll do the wrong thing.

"Follow your feelings on this and it'll be ok." No it won't because the correct reactions come out of the battle between emotions and logic...and for whatever reason I have never gotten it right with this person.

I often wonder if it is only my pride that makes me hurt so often after all these years. It bothers me so much that I think this is a possibility, I don't want to be that self centered. But then, I see how I'm acting now...so many emotions raised, my mind seems keen and focused and I lose (for the most part) my fear (and at least in comparison). I hear music that is not really there like I'm in some kind of movie and I wonder, why did my mind decide to pick this song as a soundtrack to this moment? I see tv shows like Lost and start losing it when people that remind me of my friend are hurting. Funny, a lyric in this song is, "Life is not tv."

I have to look them in the face and be honest.